The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Beret”

— Outside a florist’s on a high street

A man wearing a long coat, scarf and beret approaches the flowers and examines them. A man in a business suit is standing nearby.

Man 2 (WH): Ah, excuse me, matey.

Man 1 (SM): Yep?

Man 2: You got a beret on your head.

The first man violently spasms and flailingly paws the beret from his head.

Man 1: [flustered] Thank you, thank you for that, oh, I hate it when that happens.

The first man looks above himself fearfully and walks away. The second man quickly kicks the beret away.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 Jack “Tiger” Adams

— Studio

Shaun:

Our next guest is, and I know it’s an overused expression, but it seems so appropriate, here tonight. He’s one of Aussie rules’ all-time greats, a legend from the forties: Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams! [Audience cheers] Welcome, Jack! Jack, welcome, welcome, please, have a seat. Have a seat.

Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams:

G’day, Shaun.

Shaun:

Yes, how are you, Jack?

Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams:

I’ve brought you a little gift.

Jack hands a football to Shaun. Shaun takes it gingerly.

Shaun:

Oh, that’s lovely, thank you very much indeed.

Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams:

It’s a–

Shaun:

Yes, I know what it is, I know what it is.

Jack cackles.

Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams:

It’s the ball used in the 1947 Grand Final.

Shaun:

Oh, right.

Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams:

Signed by all the players: Buoy Fetfall.

Shaun:

[hesitant] Ah, good old him. Well, that’s lovely, I’ll treasure that, Jack, thanks very much, I’ll just put it over here. [clumsily punches the ball away] OK, yeah, takes me back, Jack. Now, Jack, if I can call you that. [Jack cackles] [reading from clipboard] Jack, you played 357 games for the Lions including four grand finals, you captained the state team seven times, [puts down clipboard] but the reason we’ve got you on to help us tonight is to actually assist me with my publicity. Now, we’ve got it on very good authority that you’ve only got two weeks to live, and that would mean that your appearance on this show would be the last bit of footage of you alive and pretty much guaranteed of being included in an obituary clip in a news service. [The smile fades from Jack’s face] And of course we would – Jack, here’s the beauty of it, this is how it works for us, we would insist on having a ‘Courtesy of Micallef Program’ [outlines rectangle with his fingers] appearing on the clip, which about midseason would be great advantage to us. So, um, really it doesn’t really matter what we say in the interview because they’re going to voice over it with the news reporter anyway. We could just, you know, you could talk any old drivel that comes out of your mouth. Actually, what would be great, and it’s entirely up to you, Jack, would be if you could lie down on the ground and pretend to be dead, as if it’s part of some wacky sketch or something and it would be given added poignancy in the context. [Jack, looking stunned, hesitantly rises] So if you wouldn’t mind lying down here just to help us through, that’s it, in your own time. [to offstage] Can we have the, uh, the footer, that, uh, yes, superb, thank you. [to Jack] Now you hold that, that’ll help ID you, and we use, this is a pretty good shot, OK, we’ll just hold for this. [grins and poses kneeling behind Jack lying down] ‘Courtesy of Micallef Program’ across there. Well, thanks very much, could we please thank the legendary Jack ‘Tiger’ Adams!?

Shaun taps Jack on the shoulder, who doesn’t move, then awkwardly puts his ear to Jack’s chest.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Meeting”

— Room with plastic chairs

A man puts his hand up and rises from his seat.

Roly (SM):

Yeah, g’day, my name is Roly and I am an alcoholic. I drink about a bottle and a half of scotch a day, I go on binges, I drink for two days, two nights and wake up, don’t know who the hell I am, or where I am. I get violent, I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, all I can really think about is – is my next drink. My wife and kids have gone, I’ve lost my licence and my job, and I think it’s time I did something about it, and with your help, and God’s, I think I can. [takes a deep breath] Thank you.

A woman is sitting behind a desk at the front of the room.

Woman (RH):

That was very brave, Mister Williams. But the question was: ‘Can you lend us your trailer for the school fête?’.

Roly:

Yeah, yeah, that’s fine, yeah, I’ll drop it round tomorrow.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 I Bloody Dare You

— Studio

Shaun:

Now, here on the Program, we’re rather like bowerbirds, forever taking bits and pieces from hither and thither and yon, searching for the perfect mix of game show, lifestyle show, talent quest and trauma counselling session. We call it fine-tuning. Others less kindly call it plagiarism. Either way, tonight we present our first episode in a brave search for the ultimate television format.

Shaun walks to the centre of the stage. A sign reading “I Bloody Dare You” descends.

Yes, it’s one of those programmes where people are dared to go and do things, so let’s cross live to me now, am I there, Shaun?

CUT TO

— Street

Shaun:

Yes, you certainly are. Welcome to I Bloody Dare You, with me I have:

Grant (WH):

Grant.[1]

Shaun:

Grant.[2] OK, Grant, now you feeling pumped up, you feeling ready to rise to my challenge?

Grant:

Yeah.

Shaun:

OK, OK, brave man. OK, now, I’ll, Grant, I’ll give you fifty dollars, all right.

Grant:

Yeah?

Shaun:

If, and I bloody dare you, you give me sixty dollars. What do you say?

Grant:

Oh yeah, I’ll give it a go.

Shaun:

OK, he’ll do it. Good on ya, mate, good on ya. OK, go!

Shaun (voice-over):

Grant’s got his wallet out and he’s gone straight for a twenty, but he hasn’t got any more, he’ll have to go for the tens and hope that he’s got enough! And he’s got there, great work, Grant.

Shaun:

Well done, Grant, well done, thank you very much and here’s your fifty dollars.

Shaun (voice-over):

Congratulations, Grant, you earned it.

---

[1] Rhyming with ‘ant’

[2] Rhyming with ‘aunt’

The Micallef Program Episode 1 Busby’s Shoe Kingdom

— Studio, interview area

Shaun:

Now, at Busby’s Shoe Kingdom you get top-quality shoes at low, low prices and my good friend from Busby’s Shoe Kingdom Pregg William is here with a great offer. Pregg.

Pregg William (FG):

That’s right, Shaun. We’re offerin’ all the exclusive brand names at less than wholesale prices. That’s right, we’re sellin’ them for less than it costs us to buy them off the manufacturers.

Shaun:

Oh, Pregg, how can you afford to do that?

Pregg William:

We can’t. It’ll bankrupt us!

Shaun:

So, so it’s a once-only offer.

Pregg William:

Oh, that’s right, Shaun. My accountant’s told me not to do it, state manager’s told me not to do it, but I’m going to go ahead with it anyway.

Shaun:

So you have no authority at all.

Pregg William:

Absolutely no authority whatsoever. I’m havin’ a nervous breakdown and I’m not responsible for my actions! But, the great bargains don’t stop there, Shaun. Our factory warehouse at Clemsig is havin’ a huge fire sale. [points at the camera] Everythin’ must go!

Shaun:

Yes, and that’s on Thursday, isn’t it.

Pregg William:

[thinking] Well, I’m torchin’ the place and m’self Wednesday, so [nodding] yeah, yep, Thursday it is.

Shaun:

Good. Pregg William from Busby’s Shoe Kingdom!

The Micallef Program Episode 1 Percussion Group

— Studio

Five people are banging garbage bin lids, scraping laundry baskets with ladles, and batting garbage bags around with sticks.

Title: Act 9: Tread

Shaun:

Fantastic, that was Act 9, percussion group Tread. How many of you are there?

Dancer (WH):

Five.

Shaun:

Well, I’ll give you four, then. Fantastic.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Olympic Training”

Footage of horse-jumping

Voice-over (WH):

The Atlanta Olympics saw one of the most courageous performances by any athlete in the history of the Games. Gillian Rolton refused to allow three broken ribs and a fractured clavicle to stand in the way of her dream of Olympic gold. It is a lesson her coach believes will make the entire show-jumping team unbeatable in the year 2000.

— Field

Title: Larry Wren, Show Jumping Coach

Larry Wren (SM):

Ah, you know, look, I was very impressed with Gillian’s performance, I think she did a superb job, and I, I think it was clearly because of the injuries and her desire to overcome those injuries, that’s why she won the gold medal. Therefore, I think the secret for the success of the Australian team is to injure them as much as possible. More injuries, the more medals.

— Room

A woman in riding attire (RH) is sitting on a table. Larry Wren approaches, greets her, and hits her knee-caps with a hammer. He lays down the hammer, consults with her, and picks up a much larger hammer.

Voice-over:

Larry Wren believes that only the more severe injuries will attract gold medals. This means a rigorous and violent training schedule for young hopefuls like Jodie Fox.

— Field

Jodie Fox (RH):

Yeah, my roadwork’s real important. I jog about ten Ks in the morning then get run over three or four times. So far my injuries have been pretty minor, but [smiles] here’s hoping. Uh, ‘scuse me.

Jodie approaches Larry.

Larry Wren:

OK, come on, Jodie, that’s a good girl. One-two-three-down, remember your mantra, very good, lie back there. [Jodie lies down] [to driver] Thank you. [A front-end loader empties its scoop of boulders onto the supine Jodie] [to Jodie] Good girl, Jodie, good girl.

— Room

A man in riding attire (WH) lies prone on a table. Larry and an assistant (FG) approach, seize his shoulders and knees, and bring them together above his pelvis. There is a crackling noise.

Voice-over:

So too with newcomer Ronnie Spin. Plagued by excellent health all his life, he relies heavily on Larry’s backbreaking workouts.

The assistant pours from a brown glass bottle labelled “Hydrochloric Acid” into a shot glass. Larry passes it to Ronnie.

Larry Wren:

[to assistant] Cheers. [to Ronnie] There you go, Ronnie, you enjoy yourself, you’ve earned that. [Ronnie drinks gingerly from the glass] [to interviewer] When Ronnie first came to me he had coordination, good motor skills and full use of all his limbs, and I thought, you know, ‘What am I supposed to do with this?’.

CUT TO

— Field

The assistant positions Ronnie’s head on an anvil, which is placed in the middle of a blue plastic sheet. Larry readies a mattock.

Larry Wren:

Yeah, my view is with regular beatings and a poor diet, Ronnie, after he gets out of his coma, should be absolutely 10 per cent for the Games.

Larry begins raining blows down on the out-of-shot Ronnie. The assistant turns his head away.

— Public swimming pool

Voice-over:

And now, Larry’s controversial grievous bodily harm programme is being adapted to other sports.

Title: Hector Arce, Swimming Coach

Hector Arce (FG):

Look, I think he’s a genius. We all saw how well Kieran Perkins did in Atlanta when he had the ‘flu. I thought at the time, imagine what he could have done if he’d had pleurisy. We’re starting some of our young kids off on the same programme.

Hector leans down and coughs on some small children sitting at the edge of the pool.

Footage of lions in cages eating meat

Voice-over:

And Steve Moneghetti, who in perfect health managed only a seventh placing in the last Olympic marathon, is here torn apart by lions in preparation for the Sydney Games.

— Field

Jodie, with her arm in a sling and a scratched face, consults with Larry. There is a hospital gurney in the background.

Larry Wren:

OK, Jodie, good girl, OK, lie down. One-two-three mantra, breathing all the time. [to driver] OK.

A lawn roller is pushed towards the supine Jodie.

Voice-over:

Larry Wren may be called many things: determined, pioneering, criminally insane. But the one thing you can’t call him is un-Australian.

Larry Wren:

Good girl, no pain, no gain.

The roller comes to a stop on top of Jodie. Larry climbs atop it and jumps up and down.

Voice-over:

Larry Wren, we salute you.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Door-knocking”

— Chamber of the Legislative Council of the Parliament of Victoria

The Usher approaches the chamber doors and knocks with the Black Rod.

CUT TO

— Residential foyer

The knocking continues.

Man (SM):

[to others] Yeah, I’ll get it. [walks over and opens the door, and is poked in the eye with the rod] Jeez! [The usher (WH) moves to comfort him] No, I’m OK.