The Micallef Program Episode 1 Milo Corrigan

— Television news studio

A news reader sits at a desk. Behind him, an image captioned “DUCKS ON LAKE” shows some ducks on a lake. It changes to an elevated image of houses with patchy yellow rooves with the caption “URINE”.

Jim Waley (SM):

[reading the news to camera] And finally, a block of frozen urine broke free from a waste storage tank aboard an international airliner today, narrowly missing another aircraft flying ten thousand feet below, before glancing off the side of a 75-storey office tower and being deflected at right angles, and crashing through a ceiling, crushing a male diner in the nearby Good Luck Chinese restaurant. [to the next desk] Over to you, Roz.

Roz:

[to Jim] Thanks, Jim. [to camera] [1]Well, the High Court’s decision to send the fourteen hundred MUA workers back to the wharves has caused Patrick’s a few headaches, but political commentators agree that’s nothing compared with the brain-fizzing migraines the federal court conspiracy trial will cause later this year. We invited Patrick’s boss Chris Corrigan on to the Program to explain the finer points of the dispute, take us through the complex corporate restructuring of his company which occurred in September, and to clarify the intricate legal mire caused by the clash of employment contracts with industrial relations legislation. He couldn’t come, and so instead has sent his brother Milo Corrigan. [to Milo] Mister Corrigan, just take us through the circumstances leading up to the retrenchment, and the machinations within your organisation and its sister companies.

Milo Corrigan (SM):

[2]Oh, I’d be delighted. [clears throat] First tell you about quite amusing… Three guys walk into a bar … a Scotsman with a chicken on his head. He goes to the barman and says [in a Scottish accent] …

Roz:

And— [Milo picks up the water jug, is startled by it and screams.] And what about allegations that the federal government conspired with Patrick’s?

Milo Corrigan:

Ah! That’s a lie, a dirty lie,[3] I oughta slap you in the mouth … [whistles nonchalantly] North by Northwest[4] [makes a beat with his mouth] only a film … piece of orange in his mouth like that[5] [makes a noise like a monkey] Stella! Stella! [screams][6] [holds out his cupped hands] There’s a dead magpie! I coulda been someone. I coulda been a contender![7] … in a nutshell. [smiles]

Roz:

[to camera] Well, there you have it, Patrick Stevedores’ part in the wharfies dispute in a nutshell.

---

[1] Please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1998_Australian_waterfront_dispute for the background story concerning this interview.

[2] Milo’s speech is quite hard to understand. If you can decipher any more of it, or know a movie reference that is missing here, please leave a comment. The ellipses represent yet-undeciphered sections.

[3] [?] The Pride of the Yankees, 1942

[4] 1959

[5] The Godfather, 1972

[6] A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951

[7] On the Waterfront, 1954, about corruption among union longshoremen.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Computron Software Solutions”

— Studio

Shaun is drinking from a beer glass and lowers it.

Shaun:

Hi. I like to think of Internet software as a sort of filter for the information racing down the super highway. Or, if you like, a soft shoulder where the vehicles can pull over and ask for directions at the roadhouse or maybe grab a meal or go to the toilet. One of the meals or toilets eaten by these vehicles joins us here today. I speak of course of Tully Blum from Computron Software Solutions. [to Tully] Hello, Tully.

Tully Blum (WH):

Yeah, very well, thank you.

Shaun:

Good. [to camera] Now, I should point out that this is a paid advertisement, not a genuine conversation that I might have with a friend or someone I actually liked or found interesting. [to Tully] Tully, there are a lot of people, and I suspect I’m one of them, who don’t know a lot about computers. Tell us about them.

Tully Blum:

Sure, Shaun. It’s actually, actually very simple. If we think of the computer as a sort of giant filing cabinet, that we store our files in and access them when we want to get them out, [mimes using a filing cabinet] then we’re getting some idea of how it works.

Shaun:

Yes, yes, a little patronising, but I think we know at least that much. Please, go on.

Tully Blum:

[pauses] Oh, I’m sorry, I just, I didn’t know how ignorant you were of something that’s been in common use for fifteen years, that’s all.

Shaun:

So you’re expert in the use of this “filing cabinet”. How can you help people, to continue with your clumsy metaphor, “open and close it”?

Tully Blum:

I think you mean analogy, don’t you. [Shaun looks uncomfortable.] Well, if people like yourself are so inept that they can’t “open or close” a filing cabinet, then yes, we’ll offer our services to them.

Shaun:

Uh, like a common prostitute would.

Tully Blum:

Well, if you’re as desperate and inadequate that you need a prostitute, then yes. [Shaun looks embarrassed.] We’re here to offer a computer to suit everyone, from the standard performer right up to the new generation G3s.

Shaun:

Ah yes, yes, of course, the G3s. [He gingerly pats a model sitting on the table.]

Tully Blum:

Do you own a computer, Shaun?

Shaun:

Yes, yes, I do.

Tully Blum:

And how much RAM has it got?

Shaun:

Sixteen thousand?

Tully Blum:

“Sixteen thousand”?

Shaun:

S-six. Six hundred! Sixteen!

Tully Blum:

That’s more like it.

Shaun:

Yeah.

Tully Blum:

What about megs?

Shaun:

Oh well, she’ll come over and borrow mine, if she’s at a loose end.

Tully Blum:

You’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.

Shaun:

Yes, I do, yeah, I know: computers.

Tully Blum:

Hard disc? Floppy disc?

Shaun:

Ah, sort of in between. A sort of malleable but firm . . . one.

Tully Blum:

[gently] What’s your computer called, Shaun?

Shaun:

It’s a Casio.

Tully Blum:

It’s a calculator.

Shaun:

Yeah, well, it has other functions as well, it serves my –

Tully Blum:

[interrupting] You can write ‘Shell Oil’ on it?

Shaun:

[indignant] Yes, as a matter of fact, I can!

Tully Blum:

Face it, Shaun. You are computer illiterate, and you don’t have the maturity to face it or deal with it. [He sits back in his chair.]

Shaun:

[in a high-pitched, whining voice] Yeah, well, at least I haven’t got a big dumb nose and curly hair that’s … light! [in a normal voice, to camera] Computron Software Solutions: their friendly staff are willing to help you with all your computer queries. [mutters] Yeah, sure they are. [resuming] I use them all the time.

Tully Blum:

[mutters] Oh, bullshit, you lying prick.

Shaun:

Computron: the best filing cabinet prostitutes in the business.

They both sit back in their chairs, refusing to look at each other.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Smoking Announcement”

— Advertorial

Title: An announcement on behalf of The Tobacco Lobby Scientific Research Institute

Voice-over 1 (FG):

An announcement on behalf of the Tobacco Lobby Scientific Research Institute.

Footage of people smoking plays.

Voice-over 2 (SM):

Smoking: it has been claimed that each year up to twenty thousand people worldwide die from smoking-related illness. But our research has shown, conclusively, that this figure would be halved if you divided it by two.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Guest cameraman”

— Studio

Shaun: Oh, look, before we go on I should say we’re very pleased to have on Camera 4 tonight the cameraman from that hit ABC show Wildside. Camera 4? [The shot cuts to Camera 4, where the view wildly pans about.][1] Yes, congratulations, I think you’re doing a great job and please, best of luck in the future. [The cameraman is revealed to be on a mechanical bull.] Excellent.

---

[1] Wildside was a crime drama that ran concurrently with The Micallef Program. It was notable for its extensive use of hand-held camera-work.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Remedial English”

— Classroom

A teacher is at the blackboard in front of a full class.

Teacher (SM):

Good morning, my name is Mister Dennis. [He laboriously writes his name on the board, almost forming the E backwards before rubbing it out with his sleeve, and finishes with a backwards S.] I’ll be taking you for Remedial English. OK, open your books to page K –three!

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Reconciliation”

— Field

Title: John Lime, National Farmers Federation

A man in farmer’s clothing strolls across a grassy field.

John Lime (SM):

One of biggest issues facing the man on the land today is security of title. Hand and hand in that is the issue of Aboriginal reconciliation. The National Farmers’ Federation believes the only way to move these issues forward is to bring all the parties together, acknowledge the mistakes of the past, and make plans to build a bigger, better, and  brighter future for everyone. But before we can start repairing some of the damage and begin the important process of reconciliation, we have to first acknowledge that that damage has been caused. [A man wearing a t-shirt bearing the design of the Aboriginal flag approaches and shakes the first man’s hand.] [to the second man] So, Tommy, if you’d like to apologise for your native title claims on my properties, that’ll be a pretty good beginning.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Drinking”

— Front sitting room

A man in a suit with a briefcase enters the room via the front door. There is a woman on the couch. The man approaches a chair with difficulty and sits down. He falls off the chair and slides across the room, grabbing a bowl of grapefruit and spilling a sugar bowl as he passes the coffee table.

Woman (RH):

[resigned] Have you been drinking?

Man (SM):

No, not at all. [He picks up a fruit and kicks it away.] I’ll have that later. [The man resumes his seat, straightening a painting on the way there.]

Woman:

Tea?

Man:

Yes, that’d be lovely, thank you. [The woman doesn’t move.] No, I’ll get it, it’s fine. [He lies next to the table and pours the tea and milk, and adds sugar from the floor. He returns to his chair, setting the teacup on the side table, whence it slides off. The phone rings, which he answers.] Hello? [While he is speaking, he rises from his chair and stumbles away from the wall, stretching the phone’s cord to its length.] Yes. Yes. Yes, this is he. Right. Certainly. [He pulls himself toward the phone cradle by the cord and hangs up.] [to the woman] That’s the hospital. I’m wanted in surgery urgently and must leave immediately. [He stumbles and falls out of the window.]