The Micallef Program Episode 1 Dr Miracle MD Episode 1

Footage of a gurney entering a hospital from the patient’s point of view plays under credits, with electronic music reminiscent of television medical dramas.

David McGhan
is
Dr Miracle
MD
Written, Directed,
and Paid for by
David McGhan

— Hospital X-ray room

Two people in blue scrubs are studying something.

Lori (RH): I don’t know, Jack, these X-rays make no sense at all. If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was a completely new disease.

Jack (WH): All I know is I’ve got a patient in there who needs help.

Doctor Miracle enters the background of the shot.

Lori: Well, have you tried the lab-

Jack: Oh, of course I’ve tried the lab, there’s nothing. My God, Lori, this little girl is going to die unless – Doctor Miracle?

Doctor Miracle ducks back around the corner and then emerges confidently.

Doctor Miracle (SM): [animatedly] Hello, Jack, how are you today? [awkwardly pats him on the shoulder] [to Lori] My God, what is it?

Jack: What do make of these? [gestures toward the X-rays on the wall]

Doctor Miracle: Let me see. [looks down at some unrelated paper he’s holding] Oh my God, get this woman-

Lori: An unusu-

Doctor Miracle: [breaking character] Sorry.

Lori: An unusual combination of capillaries.

Doctor Miracle: [hesitates] Get this woman to OR, stat!

Jack: What is it, Doctor Miracle?

Doctor Miracle: Don’t argue with me, Jack! Just move! God darn you, move! [puts the back of his hand to his forehead] Ai-ii! Quick! Like the wind! [breaking character] Now we turn ‘cause… Go!

— Hospital corridor

Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle are walking hurriedly.

Doctor Miracle: Lori, get me an IV and prepare me two c.c.s of manolimenium.

Lori: But we haven’t got time to get it prepped.

Doctor Miracle: We haven’t got time to get it prepped, I’m telling you, insane!? I’ve gotta give her emergency seismolectomy on her body. What room is she in, Jack?

Cutting to Lori reveals Doctor Miracle standing behind her, though the previous shot shows him in front of her.

Lori: 23B.

Doctor Miracle: 23B, right, red light in the OR! What time is it!? 23B! Oh, God, light! [He continues walking down the corridor and away from the room.]

— Hospital room

A girl is in the bed. Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle are busy around her.

Doctor Miracle: Quick, give me some mebamemomoid. Ah, I hope we’re not too late. [He starts poking the IV bag with a plastic syringe.]

A man in a suit and bowtie (FG) approaches the door.

Jeff (FG): What the hell’s going on here, Miracle?

Doctor Miracle: Keep out of here, Jeff. I’m trying to save this girl’s life. [He starts tapping the bag with two fingers.]

Jeff: That’s an experimental procedure.

Doctor Miracle: Not any more, it isn’t.

Lori: We’re losing her.

Doctor Miracle: My God. [holds the patient’s wrist and looks at his watch] BP’s 20 over Tokyo!

Jeff: As hospital administrator I order you to stop.

Doctor Miracle: [animatedly] Come in here with me. I want to have a word with you. [grabs Jeff and pushes him out of the room]

— Corridor outside room

Doctor Miracle exits the room before Jeff, who follows him.

Doctor Miracle: [calmly] As a doctor of this hospital I say ‘no’. ‘Yes’. ‘No’. [breaks character] Oh, I’m doing it. Sorry. [acting] When — This girl’s thread is hanging by a life. When I became a doctor I took an oath. That oath was Hippocrates[1]! And if I were to break that oath with Hippocrates now, I’d be breaking it. [He swings an ineffectual punch at Jeff.]

Jeff: You’re not God, Miracle.

Doctor Miracle: [breaking character] Sorry, sorry. [He swings the same punch and it connects. Jeff crashes into a gurney.]

— Hospital room

Doctor Miracle swings a punch at the air and enters the room. The heart rate monitor is beeping rapidly.

Jack: Vital signs are fading.

Doctor Miracle: Quick, get me 80 simolians of hygaromany. [waves his torch over the patient’s face]

Jack: BP’s 39 over 9.

Doctor Miracle: Right, stat! Clear! [He holds a syringe near the patient’s arm and pulls out the plunger. He then takes a tongue depressor from his breast pocket, shakes it as if it were a thermometer and studies it. The beeps slow.] [relieved] Normal. [He drops the tongue depressor.]

Lori: Look, she’s coming round.

The patient opens her eyes.

Melinda: I’m completely better.

Doctor Miracle: [to Melinda] Of course you are, Melinda, of course. [screams] Stat! [He puts on his stethoscope and holds the end up to the wall.]

— Locker room

Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle there.

Lori: Are you guys going out for a drink?

Doctor Miracle: Oh, if I’ve got a job.

Jack: After that job we all deserve one.

Doctor Miracle: [breaking character, to camera] He means a drink. My line should come now.

Jeff enters.

Jeff: Well, Miracle, I guess I owe you an apology. Unorthodox methods or not, you saved that little girl’s life, without which she’d be dead.

Doctor Miracle: I was only doing my job. Moves to him. I hope your nose is good.

Jeff: Don’t come any closer, or I might need a doctor.

Everyone laughs. Doctor Miracle looks at the camera and moves out of shot before it cuts.

[1] Pronounced as the two words ‘hippo’ and ‘crates’.

The Micallef Program Episode 1 Meat Boy

— Studio

Shaun: Thank you very much. Well, next week sees the premiere of a new TV show on the ABC, The Ace Show. And now we cross live to Perth to meet the host of that show, Meat Boy. [Meat Boy, a creature made out of a large sausage with a smaller sausage for a nose appears on one side of the screen.] [to Meat Boy] Hello, Meat Boy.

Meat Boy (WH): Oh, hello, Shaun.

Shaun: What can the youngsters expect to see on The Ace Show?

Meat Boy (WH): Oh, lots of things, Shaun. We’ll learn how to make things, we’ll sing some songs, I’ll tell a story each week. It’s just going to be fantas- [A dog, which has been seen in the background, approaches Meat Boy and rips off his head.] [screaming] Oh, Shaun! [Meat Boy makes gurgling noises and falls over.]

Shaun: [disturbed] Meat Boy, there … with a critic. Right now, this. [looks offstage and nods]