— Courtroom
A barrister (SM) is addressing the judge. As he continues, his two assistants look at each other in increasing confusion.
Barrister: Honour your, going not I to put to, and here you it stand is a my being, what bit client you human I, decent put, my that client, to guilt notty. Case I my rest.
Judge (FG): Mister Williams, you’re completely out of order.
He bangs his gavel.
Shots of chemistry apparatus
Title: The Department of Employment, Education & Training Presents
Insights Into Careers
Pharmacy
Shots of pharmacy students walking to a building
Voice-over (SM): Students, if you’re thinking of a career in medicine but you’re still undecided, why not consider a career in pharmacy? Entry to a course in pharmacy requires outstanding marks in mathematics, physics and chemistry, and it’s not hard to see why.
— Laboratory classroom
Teacher (Bob Franklin): When a prescription comes in, we have to type the patient’s name on a label. Give it a try, Joe. [Joe (SM) begins typing very slowly.] Traditionally, we use two fingers, and we strive to complete the task in ten to fifteen minutes. Good. Colin?
Joe leaves off and Colin (WH) approaches. He begins using one finger, before the teacher reminds him to use two.
Voice-over: Of course, the skill level required to be a pharmacist doesn’t end there. There is another, more specialised aspect of the job, requiring expert knowledge, concentration, and communication skills.
Teacher: When a customer asks to buy some Fisherman’s Friends, or similar throat lozenge, we must tell them the price, and then charge them the same amount. Kelly, would you like to have a go? I should like these Fisherman’s Friends, please.
He slides them across the counter to her.
Kelly (RH): OK. Goodbye.
She slides them back to him.
Teacher: [to class] OK. What’s Kelly done wrong there?
The other students look confused.
Voice-over: It might look complicated, but don’t be put off: Pharmacy is a five-year course.
Teacher: Oh, she didn’t charge me, did she? Colin, you have a go. I should like these Fisherman’s Friends, please.
Colin approaches gingerly and stares at the packet. He hesitatingly reaches for it. One of his classmates moves to help him, but the teacher waves him off.
Voice-over: If you think you’ve got what it takes to type slowly, and sell confectionary and toiletries, why not consider the wonder and challenge of a career in pharmacy?
Title: The End
— Office
A man carrying a folder approaches a woman who is working at her desk.
Man (SM): Denise? This is probably going to sound ridiculous…
Denise (RH): Go on.
Man: OK. [He makes a high-pitched meeping noise for about five seconds, ending with a screeching inhalation. Denise doesn’t reply.] Thanks anyway.
He walks away.
Footage of a gurney entering a hospital from the patient’s point of view plays under credits, with electronic music reminiscent of television medical dramas.
David McGhan
is
Dr Miracle
MD
Written, Directed,
and Paid for by
David McGhan
— Hospital X-ray room
Two people in blue scrubs are studying something.
Lori (RH): I don’t know, Jack, these X-rays make no sense at all. If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was a completely new disease.
Jack (WH): All I know is I’ve got a patient in there who needs help.
Doctor Miracle enters the background of the shot.
Lori: Well, have you tried the lab-
Jack: Oh, of course I’ve tried the lab, there’s nothing. My God, Lori, this little girl is going to die unless – Doctor Miracle?
Doctor Miracle ducks back around the corner and then emerges confidently.
Doctor Miracle (SM): [animatedly] Hello, Jack, how are you today? [awkwardly pats him on the shoulder] [to Lori] My God, what is it?
Jack: What do make of these? [gestures toward the X-rays on the wall]
Doctor Miracle: Let me see. [looks down at some unrelated paper he’s holding] Oh my God, get this woman-
Lori: An unusu-
Doctor Miracle: [breaking character] Sorry.
Lori: An unusual combination of capillaries.
Doctor Miracle: [hesitates] Get this woman to OR, stat!
Jack: What is it, Doctor Miracle?
Doctor Miracle: Don’t argue with me, Jack! Just move! God darn you, move! [puts the back of his hand to his forehead] Ai-ii! Quick! Like the wind! [breaking character] Now we turn ‘cause… Go!
— Hospital corridor
Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle are walking hurriedly.
Doctor Miracle: Lori, get me an IV and prepare me two c.c.s of manolimenium.
Lori: But we haven’t got time to get it prepped.
Doctor Miracle: We haven’t got time to get it prepped, I’m telling you, insane!? I’ve gotta give her emergency seismolectomy on her body. What room is she in, Jack?
Cutting to Lori reveals Doctor Miracle standing behind her, though the previous shot shows him in front of her.
Lori: 23B.
Doctor Miracle: 23B, right, red light in the OR! What time is it!? 23B! Oh, God, light! [He continues walking down the corridor and away from the room.]
— Hospital room
A girl is in the bed. Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle are busy around her.
Doctor Miracle: Quick, give me some mebamemomoid. Ah, I hope we’re not too late. [He starts poking the IV bag with a plastic syringe.]
A man in a suit and bowtie (FG) approaches the door.
Jeff (FG): What the hell’s going on here, Miracle?
Doctor Miracle: Keep out of here, Jeff. I’m trying to save this girl’s life. [He starts tapping the bag with two fingers.]
Jeff: That’s an experimental procedure.
Doctor Miracle: Not any more, it isn’t.
Lori: We’re losing her.
Doctor Miracle: My God. [holds the patient’s wrist and looks at his watch] BP’s 20 over Tokyo!
Jeff: As hospital administrator I order you to stop.
Doctor Miracle: [animatedly] Come in here with me. I want to have a word with you. [grabs Jeff and pushes him out of the room]
— Corridor outside room
Doctor Miracle exits the room before Jeff, who follows him.
Doctor Miracle: [calmly] As a doctor of this hospital I say ‘no’. ‘Yes’. ‘No’. [breaks character] Oh, I’m doing it. Sorry. [acting] When — This girl’s thread is hanging by a life. When I became a doctor I took an oath. That oath was Hippocrates[1]! And if I were to break that oath with Hippocrates now, I’d be breaking it. [He swings an ineffectual punch at Jeff.]
Jeff: You’re not God, Miracle.
Doctor Miracle: [breaking character] Sorry, sorry. [He swings the same punch and it connects. Jeff crashes into a gurney.]
— Hospital room
Doctor Miracle swings a punch at the air and enters the room. The heart rate monitor is beeping rapidly.
Jack: Vital signs are fading.
Doctor Miracle: Quick, get me 80 simolians of hygaromany. [waves his torch over the patient’s face]
Jack: BP’s 39 over 9.
Doctor Miracle: Right, stat! Clear! [He holds a syringe near the patient’s arm and pulls out the plunger. He then takes a tongue depressor from his breast pocket, shakes it as if it were a thermometer and studies it. The beeps slow.] [relieved] Normal. [He drops the tongue depressor.]
Lori: Look, she’s coming round.
The patient opens her eyes.
Melinda: I’m completely better.
Doctor Miracle: [to Melinda] Of course you are, Melinda, of course. [screams] Stat! [He puts on his stethoscope and holds the end up to the wall.]
— Locker room
Lori, Jack and Doctor Miracle there.
Lori: Are you guys going out for a drink?
Doctor Miracle: Oh, if I’ve got a job.
Jack: After that job we all deserve one.
Doctor Miracle: [breaking character, to camera] He means a drink. My line should come now.
Jeff enters.
Jeff: Well, Miracle, I guess I owe you an apology. Unorthodox methods or not, you saved that little girl’s life, without which she’d be dead.
Doctor Miracle: I was only doing my job. Moves to him. I hope your nose is good.
Jeff: Don’t come any closer, or I might need a doctor.
Everyone laughs. Doctor Miracle looks at the camera and moves out of shot before it cuts.
[1] Pronounced as the two words ‘hippo’ and ‘crates’.
— Television news studio
A news reader sits at a desk. Behind him, an image captioned “DUCKS ON LAKE” shows some ducks on a lake. It changes to an elevated image of houses with patchy yellow rooves with the caption “URINE”.
Jim Waley (SM):
[reading the news to camera] And finally, a block of frozen urine broke free from a waste storage tank aboard an international airliner today, narrowly missing another aircraft flying ten thousand feet below, before glancing off the side of a 75-storey office tower and being deflected at right angles, and crashing through a ceiling, crushing a male diner in the nearby Good Luck Chinese restaurant. [to the next desk] Over to you, Roz.
Roz:
[to Jim] Thanks, Jim. [to camera] [1]Well, the High Court’s decision to send the fourteen hundred MUA workers back to the wharves has caused Patrick’s a few headaches, but political commentators agree that’s nothing compared with the brain-fizzing migraines the federal court conspiracy trial will cause later this year. We invited Patrick’s boss Chris Corrigan on to the Program to explain the finer points of the dispute, take us through the complex corporate restructuring of his company which occurred in September, and to clarify the intricate legal mire caused by the clash of employment contracts with industrial relations legislation. He couldn’t come, and so instead has sent his brother Milo Corrigan. [to Milo] Mister Corrigan, just take us through the circumstances leading up to the retrenchment, and the machinations within your organisation and its sister companies.
Milo Corrigan (SM):
[2]Oh, I’d be delighted. [clears throat] First tell you about quite amusing… Three guys walk into a bar … a Scotsman with a chicken on his head. He goes to the barman and says [in a Scottish accent] …
Roz:
And— [Milo picks up the water jug, is startled by it and screams.] And what about allegations that the federal government conspired with Patrick’s?
Milo Corrigan:
Ah! That’s a lie, a dirty lie,[3] I oughta slap you in the mouth … [whistles nonchalantly] North by Northwest[4] [makes a beat with his mouth] only a film … piece of orange in his mouth like that[5] [makes a noise like a monkey] Stella! Stella! [screams][6] [holds out his cupped hands] There’s a dead magpie! I coulda been someone. I coulda been a contender![7] … in a nutshell. [smiles]
Roz:
[to camera] Well, there you have it, Patrick Stevedores’ part in the wharfies dispute in a nutshell.
[1] Please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1998_Australian_waterfront_dispute for the background story concerning this interview.
— Front sitting room
A man in a suit with a briefcase enters the room via the front door. There is a woman on the couch. The man approaches a chair with difficulty and sits down. He falls off the chair and slides across the room, grabbing a bowl of grapefruit and spilling a sugar bowl as he passes the coffee table.
Woman (RH):
[resigned] Have you been drinking?
Man (SM):
No, not at all. [He picks up a fruit and kicks it away.] I’ll have that later. [The man resumes his seat, straightening a painting on the way there.]
Woman:
Tea?
Man:
Yes, that’d be lovely, thank you. [The woman doesn’t move.] No, I’ll get it, it’s fine. [He lies next to the table and pours the tea and milk, and adds sugar from the floor. He returns to his chair, setting the teacup on the side table, whence it slides off. The phone rings, which he answers.] Hello? [While he is speaking, he rises from his chair and stumbles away from the wall, stretching the phone’s cord to its length.] Yes. Yes. Yes, this is he. Right. Certainly. [He pulls himself toward the phone cradle by the cord and hangs up.] [to the woman] That’s the hospital. I’m wanted in surgery urgently and must leave immediately. [He stumbles and falls out of the window.]
— Room with plastic chairs
A man puts his hand up and rises from his seat.
Roly (SM):
Yeah, g’day, my name is Roly and I am an alcoholic. I drink about a bottle and a half of scotch a day, I go on binges, I drink for two days, two nights and wake up, don’t know who the hell I am, or where I am. I get violent, I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, all I can really think about is – is my next drink. My wife and kids have gone, I’ve lost my licence and my job, and I think it’s time I did something about it, and with your help, and God’s, I think I can. [takes a deep breath] Thank you.
A woman is sitting behind a desk at the front of the room.
Woman (RH):
That was very brave, Mister Williams. But the question was: ‘Can you lend us your trailer for the school fête?’.
Roly:
Yeah, yeah, that’s fine, yeah, I’ll drop it round tomorrow.
Footage of horse-jumping
Voice-over (WH):
The Atlanta Olympics saw one of the most courageous performances by any athlete in the history of the Games. Gillian Rolton refused to allow three broken ribs and a fractured clavicle to stand in the way of her dream of Olympic gold. It is a lesson her coach believes will make the entire show-jumping team unbeatable in the year 2000.
— Field
Title: Larry Wren, Show Jumping Coach
Larry Wren (SM):
Ah, you know, look, I was very impressed with Gillian’s performance, I think she did a superb job, and I, I think it was clearly because of the injuries and her desire to overcome those injuries, that’s why she won the gold medal. Therefore, I think the secret for the success of the Australian team is to injure them as much as possible. More injuries, the more medals.
— Room
A woman in riding attire (RH) is sitting on a table. Larry Wren approaches, greets her, and hits her knee-caps with a hammer. He lays down the hammer, consults with her, and picks up a much larger hammer.
Voice-over:
Larry Wren believes that only the more severe injuries will attract gold medals. This means a rigorous and violent training schedule for young hopefuls like Jodie Fox.
— Field
Jodie Fox (RH):
Yeah, my roadwork’s real important. I jog about ten Ks in the morning then get run over three or four times. So far my injuries have been pretty minor, but [smiles] here’s hoping. Uh, ‘scuse me.
Jodie approaches Larry.
Larry Wren:
OK, come on, Jodie, that’s a good girl. One-two-three-down, remember your mantra, very good, lie back there. [Jodie lies down] [to driver] Thank you. [A front-end loader empties its scoop of boulders onto the supine Jodie] [to Jodie] Good girl, Jodie, good girl.
— Room
A man in riding attire (WH) lies prone on a table. Larry and an assistant (FG) approach, seize his shoulders and knees, and bring them together above his pelvis. There is a crackling noise.
Voice-over:
So too with newcomer Ronnie Spin. Plagued by excellent health all his life, he relies heavily on Larry’s backbreaking workouts.
The assistant pours from a brown glass bottle labelled “Hydrochloric Acid” into a shot glass. Larry passes it to Ronnie.
Larry Wren:
[to assistant] Cheers. [to Ronnie] There you go, Ronnie, you enjoy yourself, you’ve earned that. [Ronnie drinks gingerly from the glass] [to interviewer] When Ronnie first came to me he had coordination, good motor skills and full use of all his limbs, and I thought, you know, ‘What am I supposed to do with this?’.
CUT TO
— Field
The assistant positions Ronnie’s head on an anvil, which is placed in the middle of a blue plastic sheet. Larry readies a mattock.
Larry Wren:
Yeah, my view is with regular beatings and a poor diet, Ronnie, after he gets out of his coma, should be absolutely 10 per cent for the Games.
Larry begins raining blows down on the out-of-shot Ronnie. The assistant turns his head away.
— Public swimming pool
Voice-over:
And now, Larry’s controversial grievous bodily harm programme is being adapted to other sports.
Title: Hector Arce, Swimming Coach
Hector Arce (FG):
Look, I think he’s a genius. We all saw how well Kieran Perkins did in Atlanta when he had the ‘flu. I thought at the time, imagine what he could have done if he’d had pleurisy. We’re starting some of our young kids off on the same programme.
Hector leans down and coughs on some small children sitting at the edge of the pool.
Footage of lions in cages eating meat
Voice-over:
And Steve Moneghetti, who in perfect health managed only a seventh placing in the last Olympic marathon, is here torn apart by lions in preparation for the Sydney Games.
— Field
Jodie, with her arm in a sling and a scratched face, consults with Larry. There is a hospital gurney in the background.
Larry Wren:
OK, Jodie, good girl, OK, lie down. One-two-three mantra, breathing all the time. [to driver] OK.
A lawn roller is pushed towards the supine Jodie.
Voice-over:
Larry Wren may be called many things: determined, pioneering, criminally insane. But the one thing you can’t call him is un-Australian.
Larry Wren:
Good girl, no pain, no gain.
The roller comes to a stop on top of Jodie. Larry climbs atop it and jumps up and down.
Voice-over:
Larry Wren, we salute you.
Office highjacking: The 7:30 Report
Shaun leaves the office, pulling a paper sign reading “Shaun Micallef” from the office door’s genuine nameplate. He walks through corridors towards the studio, greeting his cast along the way. They are friendly to his face but as he passes them they make a variety of rude gestures towards him.
Shaun arrives backstage. Francis brushes his clothes with a lint brush. Shaun, exasperated, takes the brush from him and throws it away.
Announcer (SM):
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the nominal host of The Micallef Program, Shaun Michael F.
Shaun enters through swing doors covered with a lamé-looking gold curtain and dances backwards down some steps to stand before the audience. He points to a mark on the floor and looks offstage for confirmation. The audience claps.
Shaun:
Thank you very much, thank you, please, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, please. Welcome to The Micallef Program, I’d like to say what a pleasure it is to be invited into your living room, or bedroom, or shed or wherever you watch your television. Your caravan, perhaps, some people keep a small unit in there, or a small antechamber, ah, an operating theatre, sometimes they have them riveted up there in the corner of the screen, or an oilrig, you know, they’re out there as well – What’s that?
Francis:
[from offstage; shouts] Laundromat.
Shaun:
[pauses] Yes, yes, yes, a laundromat as well. [under his breath] Unbelievable. [enthused] Hey, what about this set, ladies and gentlemen?! [Audience cheers] Thank you, thank you. Actually I should point out actually it only cost 43 dollars to make and budget, that’s very interesting in a – from a budget point of view because we used old ABC sets. I’ll just – Come and have a look at some of this here. This area here, this are here, all here, [indicates the area in which he entered] was the waiting room in G.P.[1]; over here some of you might have been admiring this small coffee table over here: this was in After the Beep[2], ladies and gentlemen, that was superb [Shaun tips over the table, spilling a bowl of fruit, to show the label.]; and over here this enormous framed picture of me was of course in Blue Murder, I don’t know if anybody remembers seeing that? Sydney-siders haven’t seen that yet.[3] [walks over to the cast, who are standing huddled offstage] Anyway, anyway, the cast too, ladies and gentlemen, have been recycled from old ABC shows. This one here, Francis Greenslade, he was on Quest ’77[4]; Wayne Hope here was of course, we got him very cheap from Clive Hale’s For Love or Money[5]; and Roz, Roz over there, you might remember as the horribly mutilated corpse on the last episode of Adventure Island, ah, I think Clown was exposed there as a psychopath.[6] [returns to the centre] Ladies and gentlemen, when I suggested opening the show and series with a medley of songs by Kurt Weill[7] they said I was insane. [smiles, deflates] So we’ll cut straight to some sketches.
[3] Blue Murder, a crime drama miniseries based on real events, aired in 1995 in all states but New South Wales, where it was barred from airing by the courts because of a then-before-the-courts-appeal by one of the series’ subjects against his life sentence. It finally aired in NSW six years after its première elsewhere.
[4] A musical talent show airing in 1977, similar to Australian Idol, with public auditions, judges and heats over several episodes.
[5] An antiques appraisal show, airing from 1987 for three years, where viewers sent in antiques to be valued.
The Shaun Micallef Transcripts Archive 