The Micallef Program Episode 1 “Computron Software Solutions”
— Studio
Shaun is drinking from a beer glass and lowers it.
Shaun:
Hi. I like to think of Internet software as a sort of filter for the information racing down the super highway. Or, if you like, a soft shoulder where the vehicles can pull over and ask for directions at the roadhouse or maybe grab a meal or go to the toilet. One of the meals or toilets eaten by these vehicles joins us here today. I speak of course of Tully Blum from Computron Software Solutions. [to Tully] Hello, Tully.
Tully Blum (WH):
Yeah, very well, thank you.
Shaun:
Good. [to camera] Now, I should point out that this is a paid advertisement, not a genuine conversation that I might have with a friend or someone I actually liked or found interesting. [to Tully] Tully, there are a lot of people, and I suspect I’m one of them, who don’t know a lot about computers. Tell us about them.
Tully Blum:
Sure, Shaun. It’s actually, actually very simple. If we think of the computer as a sort of giant filing cabinet, that we store our files in and access them when we want to get them out, [mimes using a filing cabinet] then we’re getting some idea of how it works.
Shaun:
Yes, yes, a little patronising, but I think we know at least that much. Please, go on.
Tully Blum:
[pauses] Oh, I’m sorry, I just, I didn’t know how ignorant you were of something that’s been in common use for fifteen years, that’s all.
Shaun:
So you’re expert in the use of this “filing cabinet”. How can you help people, to continue with your clumsy metaphor, “open and close it”?
Tully Blum:
I think you mean analogy, don’t you. [Shaun looks uncomfortable.] Well, if people like yourself are so inept that they can’t “open or close” a filing cabinet, then yes, we’ll offer our services to them.
Shaun:
Uh, like a common prostitute would.
Tully Blum:
Well, if you’re as desperate and inadequate that you need a prostitute, then yes. [Shaun looks embarrassed.] We’re here to offer a computer to suit everyone, from the standard performer right up to the new generation G3s.
Shaun:
Ah yes, yes, of course, the G3s. [He gingerly pats a model sitting on the table.]
Tully Blum:
Do you own a computer, Shaun?
Shaun:
Yes, yes, I do.
Tully Blum:
And how much RAM has it got?
Shaun:
Sixteen thousand?
Tully Blum:
“Sixteen thousand”?
Shaun:
S-six. Six hundred! Sixteen!
Tully Blum:
That’s more like it.
Shaun:
Yeah.
Tully Blum:
What about megs?
Shaun:
Oh well, she’ll come over and borrow mine, if she’s at a loose end.
Tully Blum:
You’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.
Shaun:
Yes, I do, yeah, I know: computers.
Tully Blum:
Hard disc? Floppy disc?
Shaun:
Ah, sort of in between. A sort of malleable but firm . . . one.
Tully Blum:
[gently] What’s your computer called, Shaun?
Shaun:
It’s a Casio.
Tully Blum:
It’s a calculator.
Shaun:
Yeah, well, it has other functions as well, it serves my –
Tully Blum:
[interrupting] You can write ‘Shell Oil’ on it?
Shaun:
[indignant] Yes, as a matter of fact, I can!
Tully Blum:
Face it, Shaun. You are computer illiterate, and you don’t have the maturity to face it or deal with it. [He sits back in his chair.]
Shaun:
[in a high-pitched, whining voice] Yeah, well, at least I haven’t got a big dumb nose and curly hair that’s … light! [in a normal voice, to camera] Computron Software Solutions: their friendly staff are willing to help you with all your computer queries. [mutters] Yeah, sure they are. [resuming] I use them all the time.
Tully Blum:
[mutters] Oh, bullshit, you lying prick.
Shaun:
Computron: the best filing cabinet prostitutes in the business.
They both sit back in their chairs, refusing to look at each other.
The Shaun Micallef Transcripts Archive 